Theme: Grief
Scripture: Psalm 31:9 The New International
Version
Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and body with grief.
Devotional:
Grief. I tried to avoid writing about grief but, somehow, it has gripped me fiercely
since yesterday and refuses to let me go. The only way I know to exorcise my
reluctance is to ‘just do it” – write about it, that is.
Grief.
Some church
leaders are reluctant to join in a discussion about grief and loss because the
stakes are high. My assessment concludes
that we are fearful of the topic because it undoubtedly will lead to
reflections about the pain and suffering of others *and our personal losses. It
hurts to talk to others about their pain.
It is often unbearable to confront our *own pain. For me, I have had my
fair share of grief and loss – more than I care to count, especially in these
last few years. Yet, I have not experienced as much as others. Of course, this
is not an oppression Olympics so there’s no medal to procure for the person who
has suffered the most loss or experienced a lot of grief. Still, grief and loss, for some, is a
distant thought – until it lands on the ledge of our personal, physical, or professional
lives. There really is no perfect, ‘one-size-fits-all,’ method
for dealing with grief or loss.
Avoidance, distraction, or isolation may seem like good solutions, and
may seem to work for a period. All that
I have come to understand through my research and personal reflection, however,
suggests that these alternatives will eventually break down, forcing us to deal
with the loss and grief.
Today I shared lunch and space with the women of Questers @ FCC (thank you, Barbara Burleson, for the invitation). They fired questions at me about my life, work, and my family. However, it wasn’t until the question was asked of me, “Pastor Dawnn, you do a lot for so many people. So where do you go to refuel? How are you fed while you are feeding us?” Well, damn. I wasn’t prepared for that question (which if you know me in real life, you know *that doesn’t happen often. Smile!) But in that moment – right in that moment – I felt it. I am grieving. In real time. I am grieving. My answer to her was real. With my head bowed, I said, “I don’t know.” And my grief about that eclipsed the rest of the conversation.
Grief is not only when you’ve experienced the physical loss of someone. It is
much more expansive than that. And as I sit here now, reflecting on that question,
my response, and my grief, I am reminded of a resource that I use in trauma training
about grief (yea, I do whole trainings on this topic and completely missed it
for myself!). I discuss disenfranchised grief.
Disenfranchised grief explores the process – or lack thereof – of grief for persons who have experienced the loss of a meaningful or significant attachment. This loss, however, may not be openly recognized, socially validated, or publicly mourned by others thus rendering it disenfranchised. Whew! Yes, this is precisely what I am feeling - disenfranchised grief. This, for me, is different than the grief I experienced when my youngest brother died in 2022. Of course, I – eventually – grieved our loss. But lately relationships have changed. I lost a very meaningful connection with a young person. I have lost time with people who mean a lot to me. I am experiencing slight loss of hearing. My mobility – due to age and poor physical health – has been challenged. And the list continues. Perhaps some of you have lost fur babies, bodily autonomy, decision- making abilities, professional status’, driving privileges, or even a loss of certainty about what happens as you age, when you die, or as you change. These are all losses that, for many, are not – or cannot – be validated, recognized, or affirmed. This is grief –albeit disenfranchised – too.
This is getting long (but I have a lot more to say about this. Perhaps I will do a workshop, eh?) so I will tie it up here. As a pastoring person (who is also a mental health clinician – both helping professions), who isn’t clear about where I am refueled, filled, or replenished, I have a lot of grief related to a lack of container or places where I can get what *I need. I also have grief related to the fact that I couldn’t name that for myself – until I was asked publicly and couldn’t respond.
Now I am sitting in my office, reflecting on the experience, on the verge of crying and my heart prayer is “God, give me space to grieve. Give me a container in which I can pour my grief *and receive relief – for me. God, calm my anxiety about the scary world *and help me to realize that You are walking with me – even in my disenfranchised grief about the things I can’t control.”
Prayer:
See prayer above. If you want, you can say it,
too.
And for good measure, GOD HELP ME, is an excellent prayer, too!
Reflection Question:
What are you grieving? Is there space for grief
in your life? Even if it is a loss that others don’t validate, are YOU able to
name it? What do YOU need from God that feels like a response to your grief?
