PLEASE NOTE: This blog post has a TW (trigger warning). There are statistics about mental health and a personal reflection on depression. Please make sure that you take care of yourself after - or during - reading *AND have compassion for yourself.
It's also a SUPER LONG post this week (hey, it's been 2 weeks off) so read it when you have time or perhaps during your quiet meditation and prayers.
Thank you ALL for hanging in there with me. Your grace is a balm to my weary soul!
with š
Pastor Dawnn
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Theme: Mental Health, Your Pastor and God
Scripture: Matthew 11:28 The Message Version
āAre you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and youāll recover your life. Iāll show you how to take a real rest.
Devotional:
Pastors are people, too! Pastors are people, too! This phrase I have repeated several times a day since February 28. Pastors are people, too!
For the record, I don't say this to admonish anyone. Rather I say it as a reminder for myself, "Dawnn, Pastors are people, too!"
Perhaps you're wondering why this statement is so relevant for me. Maybe you're thinking, 'why is this even necessary to say? and why now?'
I'm glad you asked. My guess is that you've noticed that there were no blog posts for the past 15 days.
No notice.
No warning.
Yep. That's pretty much what it was. No warning. No notice.
Clinical Depression.
Mostly I am good at monitoring my mood. I have a phenomenal care team that includes my spouse, parents, medical staff, therapist, my body, spirit and my intuition; and usually we're all very on top of things. This time we weren't.
No notice.
No warning.
Depression came in like a lion and it was relentless.
Did you know...?
Yes! I am 1 in 5.
Me. Saved. Sanctified. Filled with the Holy Ghost.
Living with a Mental Illness. Now, story time.
In 1995, I was diagnosed with a serious mental disorder, and it rocked my world. At that time, I wasnāt yet a mental health clinician, but I was serving in pastoral leadership, and, so, for me, it felt like a death sentence. My identity was wrapped up in being Minister Dawnn, associate pastor extraordinaire. I was the one that the senior pastor could count on to get things done and, from my perspective, I was no longer going to be called on because my fragile mental health made me more of a liability than an asset now. I was facing the loss of a part of my identity and that caused my spirit, my heart ā really, me ā to grieve immensely. I was so attached to that identity, and I wasnāt ready to let it go. And, on most days, I am still not ready to let it go. Now, I fondly remember this season of my life because it compelled me to move toward mental health advocacy and pastoral care, but, at that time, all I could do was sit in the grief of this identity loss and (pause) grieve. And as painful as it is to recall the weeks, months, leading to my diagnosis, I offer this story now because PASTORS ARE PEOPLE, TOO!
No notice.
No warning.
Weeks.
Months, more likely, I was feeling defeated because of my depression. More honestly, I was feeling defeated because I didn't catch it in enough time. It caught me off guard this time. And that was scary for me.
Tuesday, February 20, 2024 I hit a wall. I couldn't produce anything else. I was fatigued. My body was screaming for me to STOP but I just kept going. I didn't want to listen. So I didn't.
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Saturday, March 2, 2024 was Aging Grace @ FCC event and it was great. Saturday night, I had a panic attack.
No notice.
No warning.
Depression (PLUS Anxiety this time!)
Sunday, March 3, 2024 PANIC ATTACK again. This time it hit during worship, I was feeling all the feels and couldn't free myself from the overwhelming onslaught of needs, joys, and concerns in the community.
No notice.
No warning.
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Monday, March 4, 2024 my Care Team issued an ultimatum. "Dawnn, you can go to the hospital for treatment, or you can REST for the week from work (no emails, no slacks, no pastoral visits, nada, nothing, zilch)"
Option 2 felt feasible. Scary. But feasible.
During the week, I prayed, cried, SLEPT, prayed, talked, SLEPT, and eventually I started listening to God..again.
"Daughter, you needed to stop some time ago. You are not serving anyone well when you are not well. This is a new season I am bringing you into, but I need you to lean in, trust me, and listen."
I took a few more days of REST and then started to feel like my old self: encouraged, with some anxiety (which I think is healthy), and motivated to serve God's people again. By Monday, I felt okay enough to return to work.
No notice.
No warning.
As quickly as it came, it dissipated - until it comes back. You see, that's the hard part. There is no cure for depression. Sure, I can manage it. I have managed it. And I am sitting - again - with the fact that it will always be one of my companions.
AND... ALL IS WELL with my Soul!
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So, why am I sharing all of this now? There are 3 reasons (as I bring this blog to a close). I believe...
- Healing happens in Community.
- We are healed by the testimony and support of our siblings.
- I Can Trust God (again) because God Can Be Trusted.
I *do believe that healing happens in community, but you'll have to wait for my book for a personal expansion of that belief. I *do believe that we are healed by the testimony of our siblings - and more - we are healed by their support.
What do I mean by support? I am glad you asked.
- Encourage me through my recovery.
- Have compassion when I prioritize my health above a church task.
- Be curious about the/my process.
- Understand and KNOW that I am still Pastor Dawnn āŗ
Pastor Dawnn
Thank you for your willingness to be vulnerable and honest. Your words and your prayer will help many of us in the one out of five statistic you quoted above.
ReplyDeleteYou are such a bright light Dawn, keep shining on us.
ReplyDeletePastor Dawnn, prayed your amazing ādepth-of, expansiveā prayer for you, prayed it for me, and for so very many others, reflective of many ages, all of which daily are living varied parts of those statsā¦. Community, Amen to that - Godās Blessings be upon you, us all.
ReplyDelete