Scripture: Jeremiah 31:3b The Message Version “I’ve never quit loving you and never will. Expect love, love, and more love!
Devotional: In a conversation with someone, discussing love, in general and God's love, more specifically, they admitted that they often feel as though they fall short of God's love. This, they said, is because of falling short of the moral imposition from the church and the society at large. They spoke to a phenomenon of morality that is imposed. It is unattainable. It is subjective. For example, if you kill a cockroach; you're a hero but if you kill a butterfly, you are a villain. Why? They are both God's creatures.
God's love is for each and every creature that is on God's planet. It's not simply reserved for those deemed worthy but for all of God's creatures, who, by command of God, were named good!
Some of you may have heard me say publicly, "God's love for me is inexhaustible!" There's only one time that comment has ever been challenged, mostly because that person did not have capacity to imagine how big inexhaustible is and actually said that to name it inexhaustible is, in fact, limiting God. I chose not to argue my point and I stand by my mantra, "God's love for me is inexhaustible!"
It cannot be measured - it is inexhaustible.
It does not end - it is inexhaustible.
It is enough. Whatever you need. How ever much you need. It is inexhaustible.
Today's invitation is to sit with this idea of God's inexhaustible love for us. My guess is that none of us can even imagine it because as my friend pointed out in our conversation, we - humans - put limitations, conditions, and values on our love.
Not one of us can fathom a love that is so big, so deep, so never-ending that it'll continue even beyond our death. We can't. We are conditioned and socialized to limit our love, capturing its essence but missing its breadth. Our love -in most cases - has an expiration date.
Whether you understand my starting point or not, I want you to know that God's love for me is inexhaustible - and God's love for you is inexhaustible, too!
Selah.
Prayer: God, I believe that you love me. I believe that your love for me will never end. Please, God, help my unbelief. Help me to receive your inexhaustible love for me despite my mistakes, my deficiencies, and my faults. I want to feel your love so deep and know that I know that I know that it is inexhaustible!
Reflection Questions: How do you receive God's love? Do you receive love from others?
Amazed by God's Grace (and inexhaustible love!) Pastor Dawnn
Scripture: Genesis 1:27 The New International Version So God created mankind in [God's] own image, in the image [he] created them.
Devotional: I am preparing now to attend the anti-racism workshop @ Flossmoor Community Church. I have some trepidation about going *and it feels really important for me to be there today. Of course, I had a packed calendar today (Sorority Saturday 💛💙) but I rearranged my schedule so that I could attend because there was something yearning in my spirit to commune with my siblings and the church family with whom I share communion, love, and care.
Admittedly I am wondering if it's going to delve into the deep as I have been desiring. Are we going to ask the hard questions? Are we going to allow ourselves to sit in the discomfort of hurt feelings, agitation, anger, guilt, shame, pain, remorse, lack of understanding, etc.? Honestly, my thought is that we won't. We don't.
My spouse and I were discussing this morning the difficulty in disrupting emotional and mental violence (also known as bias, racism, heterosexism, ableism, classism, agism, and the list - unfortunately - continues). She was lamenting about how hard it is to speak up when she is in the presence of someone enacting this violence. We concluded that it is often because of how we are socialized to perform or behave. We're taught to be polite. We are often encouraged to ignore our own boundaries for the comfort of others.
Nah. Nope. No more.
I'm no longer feeling that impetus to disregard my ideas and thoughts for the comfort of someone else.
So what does this have to do with the already and not yet?
My devotion earlier this week led me to a thought about how God intends for us to engage in love and thrive in community. I had images come up for me during this devotion and, ironically, in not one image could I tell the race, gender, or other physical identifiers of the people in the image. It was weird. I could feel their humanity, but I couldn't make out features that would ordinarily help me to organize people into the boxes in which *I* believe they belong.
I discussed this oddity with God and was led to this thought.
"Daughter, I created you - and everyone else - in my image. I am infinitely everything at once. *AND the unique characteristics that I have bestowed on your physical, emotional, and spiritual being are there to embolden the vastness of who *I* am. In order for there to be a captured essence of God, the essence of who *I* am must be representative in humanity. This, you see, helps others to see that *I* cannot be boxed, completely understood or relegated to a category for understanding. I Am."
Well. I couldn't say anything else because I was in awe of this conversation and grateful to God to speak to me in this moment.
We are already living into the Kin-dom of God. Each of us - in our race, gender, sexuality, age, gifts, personalities, etc.- are a representation of the image of God. And we have not yet seen how once we no longer feel threatened by the "other-ness" of God's children we can lean into the "not yet" Kin-dom of God that will be. our socialization leads us into fear of other-ness.
There is more that I need to process on this, but this is what I have for this morning. Perhaps I will come back after the workshop with a more profound thought but, for now, I will leave to you reflect on this.
PLEASE NOTE:This blog post has a TW (trigger warning). There are statistics about mental health and a personal reflection on depression. Please make sure that you take care of yourself after - or during - reading *AND have compassion for yourself.
It's also a SUPER LONG post this week (hey, it's been 2 weeks off) so read it when you have time or perhaps during your quiet meditation and prayers.
Thank you ALL for hanging in there with me. Your grace is a balm to my weary soul!
Scripture: Matthew 11:28 The Message Version “Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest.
Devotional:
Pastors are people, too! Pastors are people, too! This phrase I have repeated several times a day since February 28. Pastors are people, too!
For the record, I don't say this to admonish anyone. Rather I say it as a reminder for myself, "Dawnn, Pastors are people, too!"
Perhaps you're wondering why this statement is so relevant for me. Maybe you're thinking, 'why is this even necessary to say? and why now?'
I'm glad you asked. My guess is that you've noticed that there were no blog posts for the past 15 days.
No notice.
No warning.
Yep. That's pretty much what it was. No warning. No notice.
Clinical Depression.
Mostly I am good at monitoring my mood. I have a phenomenal care team that includes my spouse, parents, medical staff, therapist, my body, spirit and my intuition; and usually we're all very on top of things. This time we weren't.
No notice.
No warning.
Depression came in like a lion and it was relentless.
Did you know...?
Yes! I am 1 in 5.
Me. Saved. Sanctified. Filled with the Holy Ghost.
Living with a Mental Illness. Now, story time.
In 1995, I was diagnosed with a serious mental disorder, and it
rocked my world. At that time, I wasn’t yet a mental health clinician, but I
was serving in pastoral leadership, and, so, for me, it felt like a death
sentence. My identity was wrapped up in being Minister Dawnn, associate pastor
extraordinaire. I was the one that the senior pastor could count on to get
things done and, from my perspective, I was no longer going to be called on
because my fragile mental health made me more of a liability than an asset now.
I was facing the loss of a part of my identity and that caused my spirit, my
heart – really, me – to grieve immensely. I was so attached to that identity,
and I wasn’t ready to let it go. And, on most days, I am still not ready to let
it go. Now, I fondly remember this season of my life because it compelled me to
move toward mental health advocacy and pastoral care, but, at that time, all I
could do was sit in the grief of this identity loss and (pause) grieve. And as
painful as it is to recall the weeks, months, leading to my diagnosis, I offer
this story now because PASTORS ARE PEOPLE, TOO!
No notice.
No warning.
Weeks.
Months, more likely, I was feeling defeated because of my depression. More honestly, I was feeling defeated because I didn't catch it in enough time. It caught me off guard this time. And that was scary for me.
Tuesday, February 20, 2024 I hit a wall. I couldn't produce anything else. I was fatigued. My body was screaming for me to STOPbut I just kept going. I didn't want to listen. So I didn't.
Saturday, March 2, 2024 was Aging Grace @ FCC event and it was great. Saturday night, I had a panic attack.
No notice.
No warning.
Depression (PLUS Anxiety this time!)
Sunday, March 3, 2024 PANICATTACK again. This time it hit during worship, I was feeling all the feels and couldn't free myself from the overwhelming onslaught of needs, joys, and concerns in the community.
Monday, March 4, 2024 my Care Team issued an ultimatum. "Dawnn, you can go to the hospital for treatment, or you can REST for the week from work (no emails, no slacks, no pastoral visits, nada, nothing, zilch)"
Option 2 felt feasible. Scary. But feasible.
During the week, I prayed, cried, SLEPT, prayed, talked, SLEPT, and eventually I started listening to God..again.
"Daughter, you needed to stop some time ago. You are not serving anyone well when you are not well. This is a new season I am bringing you into, but I need you to lean in, trust me, and listen."
I took a few more days of REST and then started to feel like my old self: encouraged, with some anxiety (which I think is healthy), and motivated to serve God's people again. By Monday, I felt okay enough to return to work.
No notice.
No warning.
As quickly as it came, it dissipated - until it comes back. You see, that's the hard part. There is no cure for depression. Sure, I can manage it. I have managed it. And I am sitting - again - with the fact that it will always be one of my companions.
So, why am I sharing all of this now? There are 3 reasons (as I bring this blog to a close). I believe...
Healing happens in Community.
We are healed by the testimony and support of our siblings.
I Can Trust God (again) because God Can Be Trusted.
I *do believe that healing happens in community, but you'll have to wait for my book for a personal expansion of that belief. I *do believe that we are healed by the testimony of our siblings - and more - we are healed by their support.
What do I mean by support? I am glad you asked.
Encourage me through my recovery.
Have compassion when I prioritize my health above a church task.
Be curious about the/my process.
Understand and KNOW that I am still Pastor Dawnn ☺
Whew! This was a lot to process. This was a lot to write. This is a lot to read.
And I feel better having shared my heart with the community I love. I don't have any reflection questions this time OR maybe I have fatigued myself with all of this sharing. I will end with a prayer that I ask you to pray on my behalf:
Prayer for Pastor Dawnn
God, thank you for Your grace, compassion, love, and patience with Pastor Dawnn. Thank you for the gifts that she embodies and the ways that she desperately runs after You. Please God grant her peace, wisdom, discernment, and compassion to care for herself as she cares for others. Strengthen her resolve to walk in the Call you have placed on her life. Give her the heart to love Your people, as they are, while challenging us toward change. Send her the resources to do the work You have designed. Bless her family. Show her that You are still with her. Remind her that she is Your Beloved Daughter and that nothing, no thing, no one, can separate her from Your love. In everything that is Holy, I pray. Amen.
Scripture:Hebrews 2:18The New Revised Standard Version Because he himself was tested by what he suffered, he is able to help those who are being tested.
Devotional: "Lean on me, Dawnn, lean on me."
I couldn't catch my breath. The tears gathered in my eyes prevented me from being able to see who was talking, but I knew and was keenly aware that my spouse was whispering those words to me as we stood waiting to enter the sanctuary for my brother's celebration of life after he died.
This was one of the hardest times of my life. My brother, one of my closest friends despite our nine-year age difference was no longer with us. I wasn't quite sure that my legs would continue to prop me up or that I had the strength to walk the aisle to sit down.
Lean on me. These words offer me comfort even now when I am nearly two years removed from this day. For some, the words lean on me is a command. It is a promise that even if you *can't stand, you are supported. And in a moment of fear, disorientation, or extreme grief, the promise of support is necessary.
As an empath, or one who feels deeply the pain of others, I am often the one whispering to another, "lean on me." Honestly, as many times as I have said it, I don't think I have ever estimated the impact of what hearing those words could be for someone. Until I heard them that day.
Lean on me. How many times do you think we are prompted by Spirit to "lean on me" and we don't? And it makes some sense actually. It is difficult to surrender, lean in or lean on anything or anyone. Some of us lead such a life of independence that the idea of "leaning on someone," feeling supported in the weak times, or receiving the promise of support feels foreign.
As I sit in reflection today, mostly reflecting about the things happening in my personal orbit; pondering the things I am discerning and wondering where God is in it all, I am compelled to lean on the folks who have most recently beckoned me toward them. I asked God to reveal me to me in this Lenten season. And I have seen some of the areas where my faith is challenged, weak even and God is asking me to "lean." More, God has sent people to me who have extended an invitation for me to lean.
Admittedly, for my type A, first born, exceptional and gifted child brain, the command to "lean on me" feels scary. I can figure things out myself because I have been doing it for years. I can. And still God speaks...
Lean on me.
Recalling how safe and supported I felt when my spouse whispered those words two years ago, I am compelled to try (God) again.
I think I will.
Prayer: God, help me to lean on you. Call me toward it one more time, please. Remind me that I am safe, supported, and secure if I would only lean. And when I forget to lean, remind me quickly. Bring to my remembrance the comfort I feel when I lean. Help me to see where I could stand to "lean on" even more. I trust you, God.
Reflection Questions: In what areas are *you being invited to lean in? What has God asked you to lay down and trust God for support? Are you the person that is often leaned on? How has someone's support and invitation to "lean on me" impacted you?
Scripture:Ecclesiastes 3:1The New International Version There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:
Devotional: Is there really a time for *everything?
I'm not sure where I land on this question. Of course, I know what scripture says, "there is a time for everything, and a season for every activity...," but there are parts of me that wonder if there really is a time for everything. Everything. That's such a large concept.
Everything means *nothing is left out. Every *thing has a time.
Yes, I am aware that I am speaking in circles but follow me, I promise I am going somewhere with this.
I recently felt very tired while I was at work and wondered (out loud) do I have time to take a nap? I have heard from friends who text and say, "call me." My response is almost automatic, "I don't have time."
I am often overwhelmed by the number of times that I say, "I don't have time." And, mostly, that is true. I work. I have a family. I have friends. I have hobbies. I don't have time, though. It has also been said that we make time for what we want. Sigh. That is true too.
Yet, I want to go somewhere else with this question of time. Not long ago, I was sitting with an acquaintance, and I made mention of my youngest brother's premature and tragic death. In the middle of my talking about it, I was struck by this thought, "how long will I be *allowed to grieve his death?" Is there a time limit? This brings me back to my original question, "is there really time for *everything?" And how much time do we get?
If there is a time to laugh and a time to cry, how much time? If there is a time to mourn and a time to dance, who -or what - determines the time to do either?
We live in a busy time. We are moving here to there - and quickly. We are rushing time and very rarely have enough of it. And, yet we - and scripture - says there is a time to do it all. Is it?
I want time to take a nap. Can I? I want time to be sad about a broken relationship. Can I? I want time to feel disappointed that things didn't work out at my job. Can I?
I want time to experience the ordinary *AND the extraordinary - at the same time. I want time to let the dishes sit - and not feel bad about it.
Is there time for *all of that? A better question is, can I make time for *all of that?
For me, because I have convinced myself that I don't *have time, I don't *take time to do any of these things. Then I sit. I seethe. I stew. All because I didn't give - or take - time.
Prayer: God will redeem the time. God will redeem my time. God will restore. For all the ways I have wasted time, I repent. For not giving myself time to feel what I feel, when I feel it, God forgive me.
God will redeem my time. God will restore. I believe; God, help my unbelief.
Reflection Question: What have you not given yourself time to do? What takes up most of your time? What time do you need God to redeem for you?
Scripture: 2 Corinthians 3: 2-3 The
Message Version You yourselves are all the endorsement we need. Your very lives are a letter that anyone can read by just looking at you. Christ himself wrote it—not with ink, but with God’s living Spirit; not chiseled into stone but carved into human lives—and we publish it.
The most famous Six- Word story is attributed to Ernest Hemingway (although apparently there's no evidence or proof that he actually wrote it):
"For sale: baby shoes. Never worn.”
As I have been reflecting during this Lenten season, asking God to reveal me to me, I have been struck by the number of stories that I hold inside my heart and mind. I did not realize that I was holding these stories until recently when I joined The Chicago Playback Theater Ensemble. This organization is a local non-profit IMPROV group, who uses story as a way to build empathy, community and to bear witness to folks' lived experiences. It has been life changing!
And Playback Theater has revealed that I have a lot to say. When we gather for rehearsal each week, we take turns sharing stories that we then perform - on the spot - using improvisation, movement, and music. It has been a lot to sit with because the stories started bubbling up and it has been difficult to put a stop to them. Even once rehearsal has ended, the stories continue to play in my mind -some haunting me, some leaving me doubled over in laughter, and two (so far) bringing me to tears. For me, as I have reflected for the past two weeks, there are so many reasons why these stories are buried so deep within. Fear. Shame. Lack of safety. No container. Embarrassment. Yet, even with each of these emotions attached to the buried story, I know that my story matters. It does.
We all have a story to tell. Our story bears the marks of our triumph, defeat, love, lament, celebration, salvation, and the lists continues. What is your story?
In my spiritual imagination, Jesus' Six-Word story would be:
"Death has failed; I got up!"
[One of] my six-word stories:
"Assault tried hard; I'm still here!"
Prayer: God, Your love for us is the greatest story ever told. Help us to hold that story and let it buoy our hearts in gratefulness. And then when we forget that love story, God, remind us so that we don't stray too far. Help us, too, to share our stories with each other. Show us that our story can be the very thing that liberates someone else. And as we move toward freedom for ourselves, help us to see, help us to know, and help us to love others by holding their story, too.
Reflection Question: How has someone else's story impacted your life? What is your six-word story?
*For help writing your six-word story, click HERE.
Scripture: Psalm 46:10a The New International Version He says, “Be still, and know that I am God.
Devotional: You will probably notice that this blog post is a day late. And you will also notice the theme is REST. Perhaps you're *now wondering how these two sentences are related :) Well...
Last night, after a week of intense emotional lifting (see post from Wednesday, February 21) I sat at the computer and realized that I was EXHAUSTED. I started to write - and stopped. I started again -and this time I completed one sentence - and stopped. Again.
I decided - in that moment - to STOP, listen to what my body was telling me, which was go home and BE STILL, and to pick up and try again today! So...I did (hence no blog post)
Eureka! Success!
I was clear, there was something in my spirit that was telling me to BE STILL. It was more than my physical exhaustion. It was more than my emotional fatigue. My spirit commanded, BE STILL!
I listened.
And that's the whole of the story from last night. I didn't write a blog. I stopped. I listened. That's it. That's all!
This morning during my devotion, I pondered what Spirit (THE Spirit) was speaking to me about today's blog. I had a specific prayer that I went to bed with last night and was longing to hear a response. And I did.
To be clear, I don't always hear a response when *I want the answer. No, it doesn't happen like that, for me. But this morning, it did.
I listened. I heard. I will obey. (And I will share more about *that when the time is right!)
For you, I invite you, too, into a posture of BE(ing) STILL! Hear what Spirit is speaking. Listen. Hear. OBEY!
Prayer: God, help me to BE STILL. Selah.
Reflection Question: Has God/Spirit ever commanded you to BE STILL? Did you listen? Was it difficult? Did you learn anything in BE(ing) STILL?
